Chapter One - Friday

 

At seven-thirty, my dead buddy Mike still hadn’t come out of the ladies’ room.

Once again I scanned the crowded restaurant to make sure she wasn’t mingling. Not that a dead person could actually mingle or would even want to… but knowing Mike as I did, I wouldn’t be surprised to see her doing anything.

Mike certainly had some strange ways. Last year, as I questioned one of my contacts in the St. Cloud Walmart, she’d wandered off to check out fabrics. Naturally, I didn’t make an issue of it. I try very hard not to find fault with things Mike does. She helps me solve my cases and has saved my life several times in the two years we’ve been working together. In other words, I try not to question anything because I don’t want her to get pissed off and disappear.

I gave the big candlelit room another quick glance and checked my watch again. Twenty minutes and still no sign of her.

What the hell could she be doing in there? Why would a spirit need to use the john? How could anyone perform bodily functions without a physical body?

This couldn’t possibly be a bodily function type of thing. Maybe she wanted to check out the décor or give herself a once-over in the mirror. She wouldn’t need twenty minutes for either task--especially the once-over thing. Mike looked fabulous for a dead babe. Anyone who saw her wouldn’t mind being dead if it meant looking as good as she did.

I finished my T-bone and scraped out the last of the soft, buttery innards of my baked potato. I still had about two inches of red wine left in my glass, so I figured ten minutes, tops, before I’d be leaving Charley’s Steakhouse.

I’d just spent eight long hours waiting for two clients to call me back. Since the workday had ended without a single call, I decided to treat myself to a steak dinner as a reward for my perseverance. To top off the evening on a positive note, I planned on driving back to my place after dinner, opening a new bottle of Jack Daniel’s, and watching a mindless scream flick on Netflix. When you find yourself without a date on a Friday night, you do whatever makes you happy. I thought I had a date in the works, but the confused lady in question had called this afternoon to tell me she’d decided to spend the weekend with her husband.

I’ve never been a big fan of threesomes.

I didn’t want to leave Charley’s without letting Mike know. That would be rude, and I didn’t want to tick her off. She might not show up the next time I needed her. In my line of work, when your partner doesn’t show at the right time, you could end up dead. 

I couldn’t ask my waitress to check on her. For one thing, Mike didn’t let just anyone see her. When she did, it was for a really good reason. Letting your ectoplasm fly isn’t as easy as it sounds. You have to concentrate, for one thing. And you can only sustain it for short periods.

I knew that if I asked our waitress to check on a woman who wasn’t there to begin with, I’d probably be asked to leave and never come back. This was one of the few restaurants in the area that offered great food and great service, so I didn’t want that to happen.

I couldn’t help wondering if Mike was still miffed because I didn’t tell her I was driving to Lauderdale to visit my mother last month. I hadn’t wanted to take the trip in the first place, but Mom had been bugging me for some time to come down and see her, and since I hadn’t had any cases in over a week, I decided to make the trip. I’d wanted to see her, I admit it. It had been a while since I’d taken time off.

That dreaded ritual of humiliation and degradation that always happens in Italian families engulfed me as soon as I pulled up Mom’s short concrete drive and got out of my classic TransAm. Hugging. Kissing. Pinching. Cheek-squeezing. The circles around my eyes were closely examined and analyzed, followed by the obligatory and highly embarrassing stomach-pat--first by Mom, then Uncle Nicky, Aunt Rose, and Aunt Charlotte. Uncle Al, bless him, was the only one in the group who didn’t overindulge himself. A firm handshake, followed by a quick hug and slap on the back of the head, and his ritual was complete.

My first of several required punishments was scheduled for the following afternoon. Mom informed me that I was to help Uncle Nicky with his shed project. Such a task doesn’t normally sound particularly intimidating, but when the job involves a stubborn elderly Italian who’d spent his life doing carpentry work, any outside assistance immediately becomes an exercise in gross futility.  

My only task was to transform my body into a living, breathing tool rack. For four hours that afternoon, I stood as silently as a department store dummy, gripping screwdrivers, hammers, nails and screws, while my uncle rambled on and on about the “good ol’ days, when a fella worked all day long with his hands . . . and put his heart and soul into his work . . . and treated his tools with great reverence. They’re your best friends. You treat ‘em good, they’ll treat you the same--capire?”

I nodded dutifully, agreeing with him whenever he paused during a long rant, and handing him whatever he dictated.

The following afternoon, I helped him lower a kitchen cabinet for Mom so she wouldn’t have to use the stepstool to get to her condiments. For this assignment I was required to become a handy jack stand by resting the center of the heavy piece on my head while my uncle measured, drilled holes, and bolted the cabinet into the wall.

The next day, I was roped into taking Mom, Aunt Rose, and Aunt Charlotte to the local mall to help with their weekly grocery shopping. Little did I know that these women would spend the entire day checking out each and every clothing store, coffee shop, flower boutique, jewelry exchange, toy store and antique shop in the huge complex. For this outing, I was required to carry all their purchases and was forced to make three separate trips to the parking lot to stuff everything into the trunk of Aunt Rose’s Town Car.

Since they all considered me skinny and underfed, Mom, Aunt Rose and Aunt Charlotte filled me up with lasagna, ravioli, gnocchi, Italian bread, and Mom’s homemade biscotti. I was soon bloated and gassy, waddling around like a pregnant hippo, popping Tums, and making hasty exits to the john so I wouldn’t embarrass myself.

After three days with my relatives, I prayed for a swift and painless death--or some way of sneaking away and waddling back to Orlando, where my quiet, relative-free apartment hungrily awaited my return.

Then, in the midst of my anguish, Mike appeared in my bedroom the morning after my day at the Mall, as I was getting ready for breakfast. Quite naturally I was shocked, but relieved, as well. With Mike at my side for moral support, I should feel less intimidated by my relatives.

Sounded reasonable, didn’t it?

But as I gave the situation some thought, my initial relief vanished. Mike could be extremely playful at times and often didn’t realize the impact it had on me.

I spent the morning rather nervously, not knowing what she was going to do or when she was going to do it. I asked her a number of times to please behave--and not do anything that would embarrass me. She smiled and told me she’d be a good girl. However, the twinkle in her eyes told me otherwise.

She stood beside my chair in the kitchen, watching Mom at the stove, frying eggs.

“Your mom’s very pretty.”

I just smiled.

“You have her eyes.”

I sighed and sipped my coffee.

“How is it?” Mike asked. “It smells heavenly.”

“Coffee’s perfect, Mom.”

Mom just shrugged and flipped the bacon on the griddle. “I make it the same way all the time, Ralphie.”

“It’s really good. And don’t call me Ralphie.”

Mike asked if I’d introduce her.

I gave her one of my meaningful glares. She responded with a smile and said, “I know I’m not Catholic or Italian--at least I wasn’t when I was alive--but maybe she’ll like me anyway. I could act like a lady and cross my legs properly when I sit, if that’ll help.”

I groaned.

“I’ll even tell her I’m a virgin. Will that help?”

I rubbed my eyes and focused on trying to act normal.

As soon as we were alone, I told Mike once again to cool it. If my mother even suspected I was communicating with someone from the Great Beyond, she’d get together with everyone in the family and haul me off to the nearest psychiatrist. Or the neighborhood priest, to schedule an immediate exorcism.

Mike understood, of course, but I could tell she was having too much fun. She continued making comments and observations, but was careful to do it with more finesse, and limited it to moments when we were alone, or when Mom was busy in the kitchen with my aunts.

Even so, Mom picked up on my uneasiness. As with all old-fashioned Italian mothers, she blamed everything on my diet and my high-stressed job. “You need to find a different job, Ralphie,” she said, shaking her long, slender index finger at me. “This silly cowboys-and-Indians foolishness is ruining your health.”

“Cops and robbers, Mom. And don’t call me Ralphie.”

“I don’t care what it’s called. It’s not good for you.”

Thankfully, the visit ended without further incident. Even so, I couldn’t get the TransAm on the road fast enough for the long drive back to Orlando.

My waitress came over to see how I was doing. Her nametag said HI! I’M EVELYN. She was about fifty, short and broad, sporting the tattoo of a small blue star on her left wrist and a yellow starfish on the back of her right hand. She wore a nose stud and ear studs, and her red hair was piled high, held in place with a blue scarf. Pens and pencils stuck out from the bun like colorful bird perches. I didn’t know if she’d forgotten about them or wore them for decorative reasons. I wondered if anything else was wandering around in there.

“Get ya anything, honey?”

I resisted the urge to ask if she could make a quick trip to the ladies’ room for me.

“I think that’ll be it.”

“No coffee?”

“I’m good, thanks.”

She pulled out her pad and checked one of her pockets for something to write with. I wanted to grab one of the pencils jutting out of her bun. That would probably get me slapped. She found a pencil in her apron pocket, scribbled the amount of the tab and ripped it from the pad. She slid the scrap of paper carefully beneath my plate and told me to come back again real soon. As she whisked away, she stuck the pencil in her bun.

I pulled out a couple of twenties and tucked them in with the check. One last glance of the big candlelit room and still no sign. I knew not to worry. That would be silly. No one could see Mike. She couldn’t be assaulted or mugged, and there was little chance of her being kidnapped at gunpoint. I wasn’t afraid of leaving her here. She knew where I lived.

After all, she’d made it to my mother’s place in Lauderdale without any trouble.

I climbed down the wooden porch steps that led to the front lot facing Michigan Avenue. I slid behind the wheel of my classic TransAm. It was a cool, clear night--typical for Central Florida in early spring. I fired up the sleeping monster and lowered the windows. I’d spent a fortune two months ago on a new compressor but hadn’t been able to test it because of the cool early April weather. I’d had it done during the winter, hoping I could get a deal. The only “deal” I got was that they did a good job and hadn’t encountered any other problems.

I pulled onto Michigan and drove east, toward Conway Road. Traffic was pretty heavy. On Friday night, everyone heads for the bars, the tourist traps, downtown, Disney, or South Orange Blossom Trail for the hookers and sleaze shops.

I got onto Conway and headed north.

Less than a mile later, I noticed someone following me.

***

If I ever took the time to sit down and write a manual of instructions for being a successful private eye, I’d include a section on how to lose a tail.

Being followed happens a lot in the detective business. When you stalk people, they get angry. And when people are angry, they do stupid things. One of them, naturally, involves stalking you back. In most cases, common sense dictates what procedure you should follow to handle such a situation. One simple procedure, I’ve learned, will give you a slight edge. Simply put: Don’t let the guy following you know you’re aware of him.

In such situations, most people aren’t able to keep calm or think rationally. Panic sets in and they react stupidly. Their first reaction is to try and lose the tail. This will only cause more trouble. If the tail guy is a professional, he’ll know exactly what you’re trying to do and will easily counter every action you make. He might even try to ram your car or shoot out one of the tires. Your chances of losing him will evaporate. Even with Lady Luck on your side, it’s extremely difficult to lose a tail in city traffic.

My personal method is to act totally clueless--a condition that has always come very naturally for me. This way, the tail guy will be caught totally unawares when I suddenly run a red light, or zip in front of the vehicle in the next lane.

In the detective business, you make more enemies than friends. Sure, when you solve a case, you make your client happy. Many times, your client is so happy that he even pays you for your services. If you’re lucky, the check doesn’t bounce, and you can keep him on your list of potential repeat customers. But he’s not the one you have to worry about.

The gentleman you burned to solve the case is the one to lose sleep over. He’s not happy at all. In most cases, he’s downright miserable, and might even plan revenge. If he’s got a screw loose--which describes most of the people I come into contact with--he’ll want to get even and won’t care how long it takes.

I had to assume that the guy following me was someone I’d burned in the past. I also had to assume he had a screw loose. Anyone out in heavy Friday night traffic who doesn’t have to has definitely got a screw loose.

I opened my console and pulled out the Beretta Cheetah .380. I’d been using it for the last several years, alternating it with the Bersa .380, a cheaper but reliable gun made in Brazil. Both guns are compact, light, easy to handle, and pack a wallop. I don’t usually carry a gun unless I’m on a case and expecting trouble. I didn’t expect trouble when I drove to Charley’s for that steak dinner.

I switched the gun off safety and laid it on top of the console. I hoped I wouldn’t have to use it, but in this business, you never know. I’m not the world’s greatest shot--I admit it. I really should spend a few afternoons at the shooting range whenever I get the chance, but I’m always embarrassed whenever I do go there. I usually hit the metal frame of the target retriever, causing a ricochet that nearly gets me or the poor guy in the next booth, or I nail the target in the next booth, pissing off whoever’s there. Both incidents always make me want to evaporate into the floor tiles.

Hopefully I wouldn’t need the gun tonight. If I could gain some distance, I could negotiate a quick turn-off and get off the main stretch. This would alert my tail, but short of pulling over and asking him his intentions, I didn’t see any other option.

I began wondering once again why Mike had vanished at the restaurant. She’d wandered off before, of course, but usually gave me a heads-up. Tonight she hadn’t said anything, just stared at the crowd as I ate my steak. She mentioned the ladies’ room a few minutes later and got right up, heading off in that direction.

Dead or alive, women were impossible to figure.

But the fact remained--I needed Mike’s help.

“Dammit, Mike,” I yelled at the dark, empty cab, “where the hell did you go?”

“Sounds like someone really missed me.”

I nearly swerved into the next lane at the sound of her voice. She’d materialized on the passenger’s side, appearing in her red tee shirt, jeans, and silver necklace and bracelets. Her long chestnut hair spilled heavily over her shoulders.

“How could you tell?”

She shrugged. “You’re wearing your mad face?”

“Can’t help it. I’m upset.”

“Why are you wearing your mad face?”

“What happened back at the restaurant? Why’d you just disappear?”

“I always come back, don’t I?”

“I’m being tailed. And I thought I pissed you off.”

“When did you piss me off? And who’s tailing you?”

“At my mom’s. And if I knew who was tailing me, I wouldn’t be so upset.”

“What happened at your mom’s? I was just having fun. I thought you knew that.”

“A guy thinks all sorts of weird things when he’s nervous.”

“Why are you nervous?”

“I just told you. I’m being followed.”

“I just wanted to check out the ladies’ room.”

“It sure took you long enough.”

“When I went in there, I bumped into another dead girl. Her name is Patty, and she’s really pretty. She was standing in front of the mirror, feeling sorry for herself.”

“Why?”

“She’s dead, silly.”

“Oh.”

“Anyway, she’s been having trouble coping. She hasn’t been dead long, and hasn’t learned how to do her ectoplasm right. It’s kind of like getting the right shade of makeup--know what I mean? She likes to talk, and before I knew it, we were chatting away about so many things, I completely forgot about the time, and when I came back out, you’d already gone.”

Jeez. I was not in the mood for all that. “Can we please talk about this later?”

“What would you like to talk about instead?”

I took a deep breath and waited for my blood pressure to go back down. “Um . . . the dude in the car behind us, for starters?”

She nodded. “The one following you?”

“That’s the one.”

“What is it about him you’d like to talk about?”

I groaned. Mike’s playfulness sometimes wore thin on my nerves. This was one of those times. “How about why he’s tailing me, for starters?”

“I don’t know. I just got here.”

“Can you please find out?”

“Sure thing. But only because you said please.”

I waited for her to disappear, but she didn’t budge.

“Something wrong?” I asked.

“Why do you ask?”

“You’re still here.”

“I’m waiting.”

“For what?”

“A red light. You don’t want me to fly around out there while everyone’s zooming by so fast, do you? I might land in the wrong car. I might also hurt something. You wouldn’t want me hurting anything, would you?”

“Mike. . .”

“Yes?”

A yellow light flickered not far straight ahead. I began slowing down.

“You know something, Mike? Sometimes I really wonder about you.”

She’d already disappeared.