PREFACE

 

Living with multiple sclerosis for 17 years has certainly had its challenges. There are many days I wish I could go for a run to clear my head, or sit in a challenging yoga position to contemplate my struggles... but unfortunately, my disease has progressed in such a way that these physical outlets are not options for me. So what is a person supposed to do to process their emotional energy?

 

Sure, crying helps. But it only goes so far.

 

As a certified life coach, educator, and trauma survivor, I know that keeping it buried will have negative long-term effects. Lashing out at others is a pretty negative practice as well. Punching bags are not much of a thing and water activities don't typically pan out for wheelchair users. Again, what are my options?

 

I write.

 

I have written many letters that I will never send. It's therapeutic. Over time, I have learned that it is more important for me to write the letter and get it out of my system than it is for any person to receive it. As above, so below. When I hold on to an energy that I have been physically unable to process, I have physical symptoms. Maybe I am sick to my stomach, maybe I have a headache, maybe I develop a sore throat or a cough... my body has taught me through countless examples that if I do not process the energy, it will make me sick.

 

These sonnets are a reflection of emotions or feelings that I was unable to process in the moment of writing for whatever reason. Some of the sonnets capture progression of disability and provide an image to my ever-fading physical ability. Things like grooming, dressing, feeling forgotten by loved ones, marital challenges, physical challenges... Some of these themes are common even for the able-bodied, but with the additional strain of a handicap, simple tasks are anything but simple- leaving the soul to yearn for an escape. Just like life, it isn't all bad. There are humorous and lighthearted poems, as well as poems of love, celebration, birthdays and anniversaries.

 

They say not to judge a book by its cover, but the cover of this book does a pretty good job capturing the emotion between the pages. An overturned wheelchair signals a cry for help, but it also represents leaving the shell behind and elevating to a higher perspective.

 

The illustrations serve as a supplement to the written word. There is symbolism in the art. The artistic styles vary from classroom sketches to competition pieces. But that's life, isn't it? Sometimes life works out in all of the perfect ways. Sometimes it just doesn't. Sometimes we make sketches just to pass the time. And sometimes we are really invested.

 

The poetry herein is freeing. The emotions that sparked the writing were fleeting moments that felt confining, isolating, celebratory, funny, overwhelming, suffocating and painful. By taking the energy of the negative emotions and channeling them into digestible poems, I have given myself wings to fly to a perspective where things seem small. -Pain transmuted into freedom!

Sonnet No. 1

Sometimes I find myself filled with emotion,

And many are a struggle to express.

Varied are the tides and deep like an ocean,

All are suffocating- leading to stress.

Grief, regret, love, joy and pain

Expressed through poetry and writing.

Since holding it in shows no real gain,

Oh and I certainly prefer it over fighting.

Now lots of these words are poignant and raw,

Not with any intent of malice-

Even the hits that impact the jaw,

Teach blistered lessons for time to callous.

Savage sonnets are a deep expression of me,

... and expressing it so allows me to be free.

 

 

 

Sonnet No. 2

 

When I look at myself,

I see a ripped fabric.

A blanket on a shelf,

Who's purpose's gone static.

I was once full of life,

With drive, purpose and care.

But now it's just strife.

And I don't belong anywhere.

My blanket is faded.

Too many times washed cold.

My threads are now jaded.

My colors aren't bold.

When will He see that I am a gift?

When should I quit waiting for a shift?